The random thoughts of classic near-death paranoia

Last week I was on a flight to Lagos from Nairobi.
It was the most turbulent flight I have ever been on.
Perhaps for two reasons- we were flying above Cameroon and we were flying a Boeing.
Any time I am flying Kenya Airways and we are flying over Cameroon- God receives way more prayers from me than usual. If I had known before that day that Boeing was, in that very week, having some technical issues with its aircrafts- my prayers would be multiplied by 20.

I guess by now you have figured out that if I am writing this, then I lived to tell the story.

What I will most remember about the flight was that I was almost ready to start seeing my life flash before me. The key word here being- 'almost'. I may have not been ready to die- but if it happened, I would have already prepared my mind for it.

Or would I?

I began to think about my family. Had I said 'worthwhile' goodbyes? Who did I wish I had seen before i took the flight that I didn't? Who did I wish I called that I hadn't?
I thought about my friends. Had I said 'good' goodbyes?
I thought about recent disagreements/arguments. Had I made peace with those people?
I thought about people who had hurt me(which suddenly seemed insignificant). Had I forgiven them? Had I told them that I had?
I thought about people who I had hurt(which suddenly seemed significant). Had I apologized? Had I made peace with them?
I thought about my 2 weeks holiday in Nairobi. Had I met all the people I should have met? Who didn't I meet that I should have? How would they feel if I never came back?
I thought about death. Would it be painful?
At least I would die with food in my stomach. Would that make any difference? Would my body burn faster if the plane were to go in flames?
I thought about the plane. Why did I naturally think about it going up in flames? (I blame those crazy action movies) Maybe it would just fall? We were close to ground now, weren't we? Or maybe the wing would just break off?
I was at the window seat. I quickly closed the shutter to keep off the melodramatic plane crash imaginations.
The pilot then said we were ready to land in 20 minutes.
The questions continued to ring in my head.
Okay, we are safe now. Hopefully we will land safely.
But what if we don't? How would the plane break apart?
Who would die faster? First class passengers or economy class passengers?
And if First class and Business class passengers pay so much- shouldn't that extra cost guarantee that they would die later than the rest of us? Or not die at all? But I guess death doesn't look at flight cost.
Pilot then said: "Cabin crew get ready for landing..."
10 minutes...
We are going to land safely..... Yep! We are okay.
The Nigerians on board clap as always.
I smile.
No casualties. No smoke. No wreckage. Everyone in one piece.

It wasn't my day yet. I thanked God and looked around to see if other people in the plane had been crazy-thinking like I was.
Ha!
Most were not even the least bothered- they were happily watching Wolverine save the other X-MEN from the screen above.
I wondered if I was the only one who had been paranoid the whole time.
Perhaps.

But I continue to wonder:
When my actual fateful day comes, will I be ready to see my life flash before me and be at peace with it?
Would I have a lived a life that I would be proud of? One that God would be happy with?
I wish these were rhetorical questions.
But they aren't.
I have to be able to answer them.
Now. Today. Any day.

As you might expect, I added some new resolutions to my 2013 list. New year, new ways!

PS:  I was the proud recipient of a well-timed change of topic from my small sister who didn't want to listen to my If-I-die narratives. She hardly speaks about any subject to do with death for more than a microsecond. Hopefully she will be able to read this.

That Alcohol Effect

(Disclaimer:  This note is reserved for those who can relate; And those who want to relate )

That thing about alcohol that brings out that side of us that we normally dont/wouldn't show......

Can it be harnessed into a bottle or a pill?

One with no hangovers, no age limits, no life threatening warnings, one that is drive-worthy?

Honestly, alcohol makes people do some crazy things, yes...(and surely some people should NEVER be allowed to stand, sit or exist near any alcoholic liquid...I mean, everyone knows one or two people who are just absolute (___INSERT WORD__) when they get drunk...so, I am not talking about those people)....but we know that alcohol makes people drop their inhibitions in general.

All of a sudden, with some alcohol in your body, you can do things you usually couldn't/ wouldn't do: you can say things without overthinking them, you say things without thinking, you can talk to that someone you are afraid of, you can be tremendously fun and even funny(if lucky), you can become an extremely GREAT or an extremely BAD dancer or singer.....and much more.... you know what you or others have done while drunk......or maybe you dont......that is the other thing-- you could simply also lose all short term memory of the night in question...

But, as long as you did not do something highly regretable or illegal and you are still in 'good' physical condition in the morning, then you probably could have some lessons to learn from Drunken You.

They say that Drunken You is most likely your alter ego presenting itself.

Drunken You's personality has some, if not all, of the following qualities:

As compared to their normal selves, they 

- Are Confident

- Are Spontaneous

- Are Easy going

- Enjoy the 'Now'

- Hardly worry about what other people think

- Have a 'Can be' rather than a 'Should be' attitude

- Have a Unique sense of humour

- Hardly worry about the problems of tomorrow

- Are brutally honest

- Can start a conversation with anyone regardless of who they are

- Are appreciative of little things, little wonders, nature  

e.t.c.

Aren't these most of the qualities what we are told to develop by all those self-development books that we read?

All those life blogs, TV shows, sessions that we go for, Oprah......

Dont they all tell us to be one or more of the above in order to 'succeed' in life?

Think about it.

They tell us to build our confidence

To be spontaneous from time to time

They tell us that sociable and easy-going leaders are good for organisations

They tell us to stop worrying too much about what others think

They tell us we can do anything we put our minds to

They say that we should live life fully beyond our comfort zone or imaginary boundaries

........See where I am going with this?

That is why I would need that alcohol effect bottled or put in a health pill of sorts.

And if Science takes too long to make that happen, maybe we can find a way to bottle that effect psychologically and store it in our brains; So that when we would need to take a sip on a normal day, say during an important presentation where we need just a tad more confidence than usual, then it could help to channel that much-needed alter ego.

There is of course a lot to shun about getting drunk and in general, drunken people....but some key things to borrow from as well. How we use what we borrow will be what matters in that alter ego store room of our sober brains.

So go bottle the effect and get ready to take a sip when you need it.

Good thing is you are free to get drunk on it.

20 things to start doing- Self Discipline needed....

Source: theberry.com via Helen on Pinterest

Purpose in this world

What is my purpose in this world?

What was I put on this earth to achieve?

That overall thing that I should do for the world or add to the world?

What is it that will enable me to find out what my purpose it?

And if I think I know what my purpose is, how can I be sure I am right?

And when will I be sure I am right once I have began on it?

And how will I plan such that the purpose can still be fulfilled even after me?

Or can I get other people into my purpose? But don’t they have their own?

And how can I ensure that I work towards my purpose each passing day?

How can I integrate it into my every waking moment?

How can I ensure that I stick to it religiously?

And how do I even begin?

Guts for change

Sometimes we just need that random day
That random feeling
That random thought that there are a number of things you can do in your life to add more meaning to it
Okay…maybe not random…..something causes this feeling of resolve….it could be anything…
And after that comes some resolutions on what to do….some painful, some crazy…all towards what you feel is what you should be doing
Well, it is always afraid-worthy…..the what-ifs begin and the how-wills emerge..
But all in all, if you’ve gotta do it…then pull your sleeves and get to it!
If you had the guts to think it, then surely, the guts to make it happen exist! Use them!

The time of my life....five and a half years

On 26th June 2011, I got on a flight to Prague for an internship that would mark the end of an era in AIESEC- An unforgettable one at that.



Five and half long years spent in an organisation that became a part of me.

I remember that first time I was in a member's meeting at University of Nairobi when I was confused and oblivious of what I was getting into.Was it November or December of 2005? Somewhere there. I had just joined 1st year in the University.



Looking back, I can see a whole lot of memories and experiences that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

All of them will make great stories that I will want to share with my children and grand children someday!



These five and a half years have meant:

- meeting some of the most intelligent minds of my generation

- interacting with so many cultures from all over the world

- experiencing the beauty of the world in over 20 countries

- shaping of my character for the next phase of my life

- believing in something so badly that it hurts

- thinking of organisational strategy even before I knew exactly what that was

- dreaming of results and outcomes even when the worst was staring at me right in the face

- surviving a day or more with little or absolutely no money in my pockets due to one reason or another

- having to handle a million things at once and still looking for some sort of balance with the other parts of my life

- realising that not all my acquaintances are true friends and that true friends are hard to come by

- learning that mistakes are potentially everywhere; sometimes we fall but then we have to wake up quick, learn and move on

- leading a group of amazing individuals towards a goal so clear that they all share in it

- that miracles can and do happen; anything is possible!

- that beyond all the work and achievements, nothing is as important as staying true to oneself

- that beyond all the things that can occupy my time- family is still the most important gift I have

- learning something new from even the most unusual of places or the most unexpected people

- seeing the world through the eyes of other people ; seeing things anew

- living life on the edge but realising that this kind of adrenalin can sometimes be too much to bear

- forgetting the notion in my mind that my health can take care of itself

- dropping the Fiona dogmas in my mind and opening up to new ways of thinking

- that the potentiality of a dream is based on the willingness to try

- that the possibility of achieving something meant to be is always blurred by a fog of fear

- that whether something is a win or a loss is based on our very own feelings about it

- changing and flexing the mind is good as long as it is justified by new and worthwhile experiences

- having that one conversation I needed to make a difference or a turn for the better

- giving time, passion, talent and skills beyond what I thought I actually had in me

- loosing and feeling so bad about it but looking towards the future for better days

- winning and tasting achievement so clearly that I was scared if it was actually real

- sharing the most hilarious of jokes; most hilarious of moments; and laughing like never before

- crying and sharing some extremely tough moments with those close to me but still finding a silver lining in that situation

- gaining some friends that I am sure I will want to have in my life for years to come

- being proud of my continent and my country and being excited at what I can do to make a worthy contribution





Most of all, these five years have meant Growth...in all aspects possible for any human being.

For this I would like to thank:

- AIESEC in general

- AIESEC Kenya, for taking me in and for the amazing people I have worked with

- My MC teams 0809, 0910, 1011- I cherish all we were able to share

- AIESEC friends from all over the world for the conversations and experiences shared

- My team leaders or people I reported to for pushing me to do more

- My mentors/coaches for pushing me to be more

- My mentees/coachees for allowing me to share what I could

- My friends for being there in good times and tough times

..........and most of all, my family, for bearing with me throughout the entire rollercoaster ride :-)



I will forever be grateful.



Wishing the best to all of you who I will no longer get to see and I hope that our lives will cross paths again sometime!





Big love,

Fi

Faith

What is this powerful think called FAITH?

I usually say that I am going by faith with this or that. But do I really really work on Faith? It could be that the idea of something working out is too strong, it scares faith into action...but this may not necessarily mean that I am good at working on Faith.

You know when we really want something to happen.....we may be working on Faith or we may be working on fear of failing. Potentially not the same thing...but I believe both have equal power to enable the unthinkable to be possible.

Or is it that the relentless fear of failing feeds into faith?

Faith means that endearing trust/belief in something....in this context- having that endearing trust/belief that something you want to happen will happen.

The fear of failing can be a good catalyst to spearhead faith in something happening. And here I mean only in the positive happenings. Coz God knows that fear of failure can be the pull of huge negative happenings....fear of the worst can actually bring the worst into play. I actually believe this- Something to do with the Law of Attraction.

Which means...maybe fear of failure then isn't such a bad thing.

Because, look at it this way...if I have faith- I believe beyond reasonable doubt that something will work out; if I have a huge fear of failure- I believe beyond reasonable doubt that something must work out; Quite similar. The different comes in the fact that the 1st is relying more on the universe and some higher power while the 2nd one is mostly relying on own effort and actions to avoid failure at all costs.
In both situations the idea in the person's head is to have something desired happening, as such:
1. Without own control
2. With own control.

So which is better to have in situations where a good or negative outcome is bound to bring huge consequences? I say- BOTH.

You don't necessarily have to be a 'fearer' of failure but you should be able to possess that inner drive that 'fearers' usually have. And imagine topping that up with faith.....wouldn't that be awesome!
Faith and Action to go with it.

Of course if something still doesn't work out even when you employed both mindsets, then just be rest assured whatever you were seeking wasn't meant for you so please move on excitedly to the next thing upcoming for you in your life!